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Glad I Wore my Coat

I have a tradition that I have done for the past fifteen years. Every New Year's day, I go to Barnes and Noble and buy one of their 50% off weekly planner calendars. When I was teaching, the principal always gave each teacher a gift card to Barnes and Noble for Christmas. I always got my calendar with the gift card. Although I don't get a gift card to Barnes and Noble every Christmas, I still need a calendar. I went out on Sunday late afternoon to get my calendar. I always get one with islands, New York or art.
As we were walking out the door on Sunday morning for church Steve said, "Ya'll don't need coats. It's warm outside." Warm , my foot. As we drove past the bank, the time and temperature said 39 degrees. Steve never gets cold. I am always cold. He dropped us off at the door so that we would not freeze to death.
I did NOTHING Sunday afternoon. I was truly having a day of rest. I laid on the bed and did some reading. For some reason, I think laziness, I kept my church dress on. When I got up to go to Barnes and Noble, I put my dressy black coat on and drove to the store.
I went straight to the calendars. Most of the ones I was interested in were on the very bottom shelf. As I was flipping through one of the calendars, I sensed that something was NOT right with my clothes. Did I feel a draft? I'm not sure. I put the calendar down and reached around and to my horror, the back of my dress was around my waist. Yes, I was exposed! I got a sinking feeling from head to toe. All I could think was, "I am so glad I wore my coat." I am not sure what had happened. I think it was a matter of static cling, a twisted up slip, lying in the bed: a combination of it all. The coat kept me from being arrested for indecent exposure. I don't know if I went in the store that way or if it happened after I got there.
I looked around as I was trying to fix the situation. Most of the people in my area looked as if they were coming or going to a Big Foot chaser society meeting. It was a strange crew on this New Year's Day. I tried to justify my chawedness. There was no one there I was trying to impress.
I also started thinking about style these days. I have a several dresses that I wear as shirts. Dresses seem so short these days. I call them a shirt and just deal with it. I wear tights and leggings and skinny jeans, but I guess they are all the same: tight and clingy. I tried to justify my chawdness even more by thinking, "well, my 'shirt' got caught up and showed my leggings." That does not sound so bad, does it?
I recovered and stayed for a while looking at books and magazines. I got my calendar and went home and put on some jeans and a long sweater.

Comments

Karin said…
Funniest line ever: I tried to justify my chawedness. Ha! Laurie, if I lived in Arkansas, I would like nothing better than to get to be one of your friends. You are hilarious!
Jessica said…
OMG, that is hilarious! Although I would be mortified too. Thanks for the laugh!
Christi said…
Chawedness cracks me up. Could Kelly or you please explain what Chawed means...I love the word.

Hmm, I left the science museum in a dress with a little static cling issue...and finally a nice lady let me know after hundreds just permitted my indecent exposure. So I'm not laughing at you but laughing with you because I remember how red-in-the-face I felt that day. If I didn't have my kids to keep up with, I would have raced out the door.
Meg said…
You are so funny! Always make me laugh :)
Shosh said…
lol! i dropped my daughter at preschool the other day and her teacher pointed out that my skirt was tucked into my tights in the back. if i hadnt been wearing a coat.....oh my....the man who was walking his son into school behind me (and who is one of my co-workers!!!) might never have recovered. and neither would i!!!!
Kim said…
Hilarious!! Bless your heart I know you must have been chawed to the bone!!!
Karen said…
Lol! I was on jury duty and walked through the pool room with my entire dress back tucked into my hose. I got pretty far before a nice lady got up and pulled it out for me. Chawed would not even describe how I felt! Isn't that crazy how we don't always feel something isn't quite right with our clothes?
I bet you'll be having some crazy dreams about indecent exposure!
Tara G. said…
You are a hoot!!! When you said you felt a draft, though, I felt mortified for you and I am so glad you had on your coat, too!
Charity said…
you never fail to put a smile on my face!!!
This is priceless!!! I do not think I have laughed that hard in a long time! Thank you! Really right up there with the bird on the porch or in blockbuster!
Green Girl said…
Stuff like that is a common occurrence in my world!
It is the spice in life!
I cracked up!
Andrea said…
HA...My mom likes to sit in the front 3 rows at church. One Sunday she left to go potty and came back during praise and worship during a slow intimate song....with her skirt tucked into her pantyhose. The pastor's wife ran over and pulled her dress free.

To this day, I check before I leave the restroom. lololol
Melissa said…
i want to be your friend...you would have me rolling in laughter!

Happy New Year!
Mallory said…
I wish I knew you in real life, I love your hilarious stories!
Nancy said…
You crack me up!
Happy New Year! Stay warm!
Kasey said…
Love it! I am sitting at home all by myself just laughing out loud. Thanks for the laugh!
The Ormons said…
that is one of the funniest posts you have done... love it... only you ha ha
Kate said…
As soon as you said you felt a draft, my heart skipped a beat! Thankfully you had your coat on, and it was only mortifying in your mind and not for the whole world to see! Ha! My Mom loves to read your blog, but I know she hasn't seen this post yet or she would've already called me to fill me in on your latest adventure. Isn't it funny how you can feel like you're friends with someone you've never met before?!
Alyssa said…
Oh, my! I'm glad you wore your coat, too!

Once, in jr. high, our teacher used the bathroom between classes and when she came back in, her skirt was tucked into her pantyhose and her entire back side was fully exposed! We were all laughing so hard that none of us could even talk when she asked us what we were laughing about. I imagine she was pretty chawed, too!
Tara said…
Laurie,
I have never commented but I just had to this time! I always enjoy reading your blog. You have such a great wit & unique insight. I wanted you to know I appreciate you! I have had a really, really tough year. I have cried every single day for the past 9 months. I don't ever remember the last time I laughed until tonight. I read this post and BELLY laughed out very LOUD! So, in your chawedness and in the telling of your chawedness, you brought a very heartbroken girl some much needed and long overdue laughter! Be chawed no more......and thank you! :)
Sara Campbell said…
Only you, Linda Dale!
Unknown said…
This story was told at my mother's funeral! She ws a receptionist at a very large chicken company for a while back in '92. One day she went to the restroom & out into the very LARGE breakroom to get some coffee and when she came back, everyone heard her scream. When they went to see what happened, she could only say, 'I went to the bathroom & out to get coffee & when I sat down, all I felt was air!" Needless to say, we all laughed!! Bless her heart & yours!!
Lauri said…
You are hilarious! I love reading your blog. By the way, there was a BIRD flying aroubd in our grocery store last week, and I made my kids go very slowly and quietly as to not draw attention to us, lol. I thought of you. lol
Robin said…
I have laughed so hard my stomach hurts! I once walked into church and up to my seat on the 2nd row with my skirt tucked into my panty hose ... and I did not have on a coat.

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